Plays  

"ADWARZ"
  Industrial espionage breaks out in the battle for doughnut domination between a naive ad exec and a win-at-all-costs rival.

An excerpt from
"ADWARZ"

by Earl Wettstein

....

BARBY:Oh, so you're the guy? Wait here in the Conference Room, I'11 tell her you're here.

[ USHERS BARNUM INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM. SHE EXITS. AS HE BEGINS LOOKING UNDER THE TABLE, SHE RETURNS ]

Ah... your name ?

BARNUM:Barnum. Mike Barnum.

[ SHE EXITS ].

[ BARNUM OPENS HIS ATTACHÉ CASE, TAKES OUT THE ELECTRONIC BUG. HE HURRIEDLY STICKS IT AGAINST THE BOTTOM OF THE TABLE. HE FLICKS A SWITCH IN HIS BRIEFCASE, WE HEAR AN ELECTRONIC "BUZZ," HE CLOSES THE CASE, AS MARIA ENTERS THE ROOM ].

MARIA:Hi, Mike...what was that?

BARNUM:What?

MARIA:I thought I heard a buzzzing noise.

BARNUM:Must have been the aura of my creative energy.

MARIA:you had a strong reaction on Barby.

BARNUM:Like?

MARIA;She dug your act.

BARNUM:Too bad she's not the one I want to hire.

MARIA:Yeah. Sooo here you are...

BARNUM:I thought seeing your workplace environment might help. Sometimes people can be persuaded by perks instead of money...

MARIA:Oooooo, maybe a new pencil sharpener? That would get me hot. Or maybe a title...say... Supreme Intergalactic Artistic Director! Yessss, that will get me an apartment in the foothills...

BARNUM:Whoa whoa whoa ... what I was going to say, was that sometimes extra perks...like an improved work station, PLUS more money...can he a decider.

MARIA:OH-kay, I'11 show you my "work station," and then let's get the hell out of here before Sammy comes in.

BARNUM:He wouldn't like finding me here?

MARIA:Sammy thinks everyone is out to steal his "Big Ideas." In his office Sammy has a poster from World War Two..."The Enemy May Be Listening - Loose Lips Sink Ships."

BARNUM:I hate a person who'd steal an idea. It's worse than stealing money. But you can trust me.

MARIA [LOOKS AT HIM REAL HARD ]:I did - right up until you said that.

[ BARNUM LAUGHS, MARIA LAUGHS, THEY EXIT ]

ACT 1 SCENE 8
[ TWO SETS IN ONE. STAGE LEFT ANGEL'S CONFERENCE ROOM, STAGE RIGHT - BARNUM'S OFFICE. THE LIGHT FADES UP IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM AT ANGEL ADVERTISING. SAMMY ENTERS AND SHOUTS OVER HIS SHOULDER ].

SAMMY:And when you see Maria, tell her to come in. I want to hear that "Big Idea"!

[ ACROSS THE STAGE, A RED LIGHT FLICKERS IN THE DARK. SAMMY PASSES OUT PAPERS. HE SINGS A MEDLEY OF OLD JINGLES WHILE HE OPENS A PACKAGE OF LARGE DOUGHNUT-FACED MASKS ].

Dentyne chewing gum, it' s keen chewing gum, try Dentyne, try Dentyne...Halo everybody, Halo! Halo is the shampoo that glorifies your hair, so Halo everybody, Halo...Pepsi-Cola hits the spot, 12 full ounces that's a lot, twice as much for a nickel, too,
Pepsi-Cola is the drink for you...

[ HE TRYS A MASK ON, LAUGHS MANIACALLY, AND SHOUTS ].

Let's get going!

[ ACROSS THE STAGE PEP BARNUM ENTERS, SEES THE RED LIGHT GLOWING, HURRYS TO PICK UP THE EAR PHONES, TURNS ON A TAPE RECORDER ].

BARBY[ BARBY ENTERS TRAILING PAPERS BEHIND HER, CARRYING TWO POTS OF COFFEE ]:All right already, calm down, we're going to keep the account.

SAMMY:The odds on us surviving this account review are the same as a male Black Widow Spider living after poontang. ZEEERRO!

BARBY:It does happen.

SAMMY:Sure, when the agency owner marries the client's daughter. This time, the client has no daughter.

BARBY:Maybe Maria could marry the client!

SAMMY:Great, then I'd be working for my own art director. Which I practically do already.

BARBY:Or I could marry the client...

SAMMY [ LAUGHING]:Yeah, just what old man Whollie needs...an articulate, smart, incredibly stacked secretary who can hock his throbber before every Board meeting.

BARBY [ SHE LAUGHS, MOVES TO SAMMY ]:I don't know why I get hot when you make me laugh. Am I sick?

[ BARBY CRUSHES HER BLOUSE TO HER BODY ].

Doctor, could you look at this bruise? I think I have a broken heart.

SAMMY [ BACKING AWAY ]:Barby...I care for you...very much...but it doesn't work for us anymore ...

BARBY:Sex always worked for us before.

SAMMY:I was successful then.

BARBY [ GRABS SAMMY BY THE BELT ]:You're still a success! You've survived thirty years in this town! That's success! Come on heal me, Doctor Angel. Twirl your magic wand and make me well.

[ ACROSS THE STAGE, PEP BARNUM LISTENS WITH THE EAR-PHONES ON, HE IS GETTING EXCITED ].

BARBY:I've always loved it when you resist me...wait...

[ SHE GOES TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR, CLOSES THE MINI-BLINDS, AND LOCKS THE DOOR].

SAMMY:No...Maria's coming...

BARBY:We can listen to Maria's ideas later...

SAMMY:Barby. Not in the office, its...

[SHE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM].

BARBY [ STROKES HIS FACE & BODY ]:Sammy ...

SAMMY [ NOT RESISTING AS MUCH ]:...unprofessional. Oh, Barby...

[ IN UNISON, THEY SLIDE TO THE FLOOR, UNDER THE CONFERENCE ROOM TABLE DIRECTLY UNDER THE LISTENING DEVICE BARNUM STUCK TO THE TABLE).

BARBY [ ROLLS HIM ON TOP OF HER ]:Oh, Sammy, here...yesss...

[SHE STARTS TO ZIP DOWN HIS PANTS]

Here, move toward me...put your legs up on the chair there...yesss....

[ SHE IS HAVING TROUBLE WITH HIS ZIPPER. SHE JERKS IT UP AND DOWN A NOTCH OR TWO TO GET IT STARTED].

Damn zipper is caught! There!

[SHE PULLS THE ZIPPER HARD]

SAMMY:Aaaaaggggg!

[ SHE HAS CAUGHT HIM IN THE ZIPPER, AND HE FALLS FORWARD - IN PAIN - ONTO BARBY]

[ ACROSS THE SET PEP BARNUM IS BECOMING VERY EXCITED]

BARBY[ THIS KNOCKS THE AIR OUT OF BARBY, AND SHE SLUMPS BACK, NO LONGER INTERESTED ]:Wheeeewhoooo .

[ SHE LAYS THERE A WHILE, BOTH OF THEM QUIET. THEN SHE SEES THE LISTENING DEVICE, SHE SLOWLY RAISES HER ARM TO DELICATELY TOUCH IT.]

[ ACROSS THE STAGE, BARNUM IS STRAINING TO HEAR WHAT'S GOING ON].

BARBY:Sammy?

SAMMY:Yeah.

BARBY:You okay?

SAMMY:Yeah.

BARBY:Sammy ...

SAMMY:Yeah.

BARBY:I think I'm getting a Big Idea.

[ SAMMY RAISES HIS HEAD TO LOOK AT HER. BARBY PUTS HER FINGER TO HER MOUTH INDICATING "DON'T SAY ANYTHING." SHE POINTS TO THE DEVICE. SAMMY SLOWLY TURNS TO SEE WHAT SHE'S POINTING AT ].

CURTAIN - END OF ACT I