Plays  

"Hung"
  A couple meet in an art gallery, each studying a full frontal nude painting.

by Earl Wettstein

(The playlet takes place in an art gallery in a metropolitan city. A sophisticated woman stands admiring a painting. A naive younger man enters with a camera).

HE: (Taking snapshots of the painting she is studying, pushes ahead of her) . [Whirr, whirr]
Excuse me...

SHE: (Moves out of his way).

HE: [Whirr, whirr] Excuse me...

SHE: Careful there, you stepped on my toe!

[Whirr, whirr]

HE: (Indicates feet) Big feet.

SHE:(Looks) Yes - you - do.

HE: Excuse me.

SHE: Excuse me! It's not MY gallery, but I'm pretty sure photos are not allowed.

HE: You're pretty sure?

SHE: Pretty darned sure.

HE: You're that sure?

SHE: Pretty darned...

HE: [Whirr, whirr]

SHE: Will you please stop?!

HE: I'm done.

SHE: What's the deal?

HE: The deal?

SHE: May I ask what you are doing?

HE: Oh. I wanted to see it since I first heard about it. I want to experience life, and all it has to offer.

SHE: Reeaally. You are a hedonist then?

HE: Well, I'm not sure about that. But I do like to see what makes people tick.

SHE:(Teasing) Tick, tick, tick, tick.

HE: And I want to capture it on film.. I capture experiences on film.
Besides...my paper sent me here to report on this.

SHE: Just this one?

HE: Yes. Just this one.

SHE: Why?

HE: Why, what?

SHE: Why take pictures of just this one? There are all these others...

HE: Yes, but they're not...ah...you know...

SHE: I do know. Oh, I know.

HE: It's better than I thought it would be.

SHE: Really?

HE: Well I'd heard about it, you know. The town is buzzing. I love hype. Heard about the bet, you know. And I study things that titillate the public.

SHE: You study ticking....and titillation?

HE: Well...ah...yes. Titillation is sooo, you know...titillating!

SHE: Well, I like titillation a lot. But I'm not sure I'd study it...

HE: I'm surprised you like titillation that much.

SHE: You don't think I - a woman - could like titillation, could like a painting like this?

HE: Well, I suppose it's healthier that you like it, rather than me liking it too much

SHE: But you do like it?

HE: Call me what you will, but I do like it.

SHE: Are you afraid of liking it too much?

HE: No. I do like it. It's well painted.

SHE: And the subject matter? Does that bother you?

HE: Well it's not for everyone, but I'm okay with it.

SHE: Okay with it?

HE: Yeah, you know...I'm comfortable with who I am, my sexuality.

SHE: And what is your sexuality?

HE: Geez, do you talk to all the men you just meet like this?

SHE: Not all of them...just the ones I find attractive. I do love attractive men.

HE: Yikes. What am I supposed to say now?

SHE: Just keep on blushing.

HE: Oh brother...

SHE: I asked you a question.

HE: Which one?

SHE: I asked you 'What is your sexuality?' and you started blushing.

HE: Oh, yeah. (Sort of studies her)

SHE: Well?

HE: Well I like it - the painting - but I wouldn't want my pals to see me studying it too long.

SHE: Why do you suppose?

HE: They might think the wrong thing.

SHE: Yes, I think a lot of art bothers people, scares them...

HE: They don't understand it, so they put it down.

SHE: But not you. Why don't you put it down?

HE: Well...it's here - hung - in an Art Gallery.

SHE: Yes, it is - hung.

HE: So it must be art.

SHE: Because it's on the walls?

HE: Somebody, somebody who knows a lot about this stuff thinks all these are good... are "art."

SHE: Yeah.

HE: The gallery owner thinks they're art.

SHE: Yes he does.

HE: He must...

SHE: He's a love.

HE: You know him...Frank DuBois?

SHE: I do.

HE: If he thinks these are good enough to hang... to sell... there's gotta be something to them. I'm told DuBois doesn't make many mistakes.

SHE: Not many.

HE: And he picks his artists very carefully.

SHE: He hand-picks them.

HE: He's a very hands-on guy, they say.

SHE: He is VERY hands-on.

HE: Do you like this painting?

SHE: I like this painting a lot.

HE: Seems like much ado about not too much.

SHE: Really?!

HE: Really.

SHE: "Much ado about not too much?."

HE: Not too much.

SHE: (Indicates painting) You don't think he's a....a splendid specimen?

HE: He's in great shape...

SHE: An unusual specimen?

HE: Well, you know, I haven't seen hundreds of them.

SHE: Well, neither have I. But.. ( Large hand gestures) ... ah, well...you don't find it provocative?

HE: Well, it is provocative, but I like it more for the way she's styled it, her use of colors there in the shadows of the skintones. And there where the dark shadows in the back of the room suggest something lurking, something about to happen.

SHE: It doesn't turn you on?

HE: I'm trying to recall a nude female painting that's turned me on. (BEAT) No... can't recall one. So it's unlikely a male nude would move me.

SHE: Even full frontal?

HE: It's not like I haven't seen this equipment before.

SHE: You have seen THIS equipment?

HE: No, not DuBois' equipment! But I do own a big ol' mirror. This is not a surprise to me.

SHE: So you're saying...forgive me for being blunt...but I don't know how else to say this... but you're saying you don't find Frank here particularly well endowed?

HE: (BEAT) Well, I am saying...ah, well, yes, that's what I'm saying. Not over - endowed.

SHE: (LOOOONG BEAT as she studies him - particularly his feet). You know, I should have introduced myself a bit ago. I'm Margo Murdoch. And you??? Or should I just call you (BEAT-looks)... Big Foot?

HE: Yikes! Margo Murdoch?! You're the, oh my gosh...you're ...the artist...Oh, I am embarrassed. Why didn't you say earlier? Oh my gosh.

SHE: (Her hand still extended) It's a pleasure, Mr_____?________

HE: Oh my gosh. I am so sorry. (Shakes her hand) My name is Dan. I could crawl under a rock.

SHE: (Aside, to herself) Apparently you wouldn't fit.

HE: Can you forgive me?

SHE: Well, Dan, yes, but on one condition...

HE: Okay, sure, anything...

SHE: I want you to pose for me, Dan. Can I call you Danny?

HE: Pose? (Gestures to painting) Like this?

SHE: Would that by uncomfortable for you Danny?

HE: Well, yes it would be.

SHE: (Mocking tone) Danny, you did say "I vant to experience life!!!" - something like that - "...and all it has to offer!!!" (LOONG PAUSE AS THEY STUDY EACH OTHER) Didn't you?

HE: Yes...but...

SHE: You'll enjoy it. We'll go slooow. (She rummages for biz card in handbag)

HE: Well...

SHE: My address...(Hands him card) Tuesday okay?

HE: (In shock) Tuesday?

SHE: Tuesday, Danny. Come experience life...and all it has to offer.
Oh, and Danny (BEAT)...bring your camera.
And those big feet of yours.
I love big feet on a man.
The bigger the better.

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